selfcoaching

Anatomy of Motivation

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Several months ago I reconnected with an old friend.  She offered dinner and good times, but I left her house that evening with the whole world.  In her presence something changed in me.  The gooey state of mind I have been in lately vanished.  There was something about the vibe she gave out.  Her outlook on life was bold and determined.  She was full of ideas for the future and already executing on many.  She wasn’t bragging or trying to be better, this is who she was.  The epitome of self-motivation, I thought to myself, and being in her presence you couldn’t help but start believing in yourself immediately.  She made me think of my dormant ideas and the excuses I had relied on.  I was couldn’t wait to drive home to start getting my ideas out into the world.

 

After that visit I went home and wrote out all my ideas and plans for execution.  This is how you get motivated, I thought.  I just need to spend more time around people like her, because it literally rubs off on you.  What was it exactly that reignited my own motivation?  I was simply hooked!  What do we want after all – how to get motivated or how to stay motivated?  I think it’s both.  Motivation just like any emotion is a temporary state of mind.  We can prolong it, but staying in it 100% is unrealistic and should never be our main goal.  Instead, focusing on creating the most favorable and efficient day is where I would concentrate my energy.  You know you are on top of your game when motivation makes an appearance. 

 Here is my list of all things motivation.  Let’s dive in!

 Mentor/Coach

As seen in my story above, having energetic driven people in your life is an amazing way to boost your own energy.  Choose someone who is focused not only on themselves, but who is genuinely interested in engaging others on their way to success.  How do you know if you are around such people?  They make you feel good about yourself pretty much always.  Do you have someone like that in your circle?  No?  Then it’s time to set an intention to meet such person and venture out beyond your own backyard.

 

Know Your Best

It’s crucial to know when your body performs best.  We will get ourselves closer to feeling the high of motivation when we plan to work on tasks during the best part of day.  Personally, I know that 8am to 11am are my best hours.  I feel easy about getting things going and have a natural inclination to do something productive. What is the best time for you? Time with fewer distraction, less junk food, highest level of energy. Know your best time of day, day of the week and place to be and plan to show up.

 

Physical State

This alone won’t get your business growing or your goals any closer, but feeling good adds a ton to your creativity potential.  Feeling upbeat can do magic things to your life.  The longer we can hold this feeling physically and mentally, the more we get our hands around the feeling of motivation.  Physical activity, solid sleep, nutritious meals (that don’t put you in food coma) are a sure way to feel ready to do something good.

 

Managing Your Mind

It always puzzles me that mind management is not taught in schools.  We have to find our own way to it.  When it comes to motivation, many of us believe in it occurring on its own.  Sort of like the feeling of happiness (not!) it just appears out of no where and we need to act on it fast.   When we observe that motivation doesn’t happen to us as often as we like, we become even less motivated and that is futile to our goals.  One of the most important questions you can ask yourself is this… What do you believe to be true about motivation?  Write it out.  Look at your thoughts and tell me, do you like what you see?  Will these thoughts lead you to feeling more motivated and driven?  Are they the sorts of thoughts that if I read them I would get inspired?  If so, you are in luck and your beliefs will work for you.  If you believe that motivation is scarce or that it only happens to special people or that some people just have more drive… you are setting yourself up to procrastinate.  In summary: Evaluate your thoughts – decide if these thoughts will serve you – introduce new thoughts (beliefs) – practice what you want to believe.

 

Anticipating Lack of Motivation

It wouldn’t be a complete list if we didn’t acknowledge that motivation will come and go.  If you are like me, more of your time will be spent without the high of motivation.  That is okay.  Plan on it, decide what you will do when it happens again. The following mantras are helpful when motivation is no where to be found.

  • It’s normal to feel unmotivated. 

  • No one can be at the peak of their performance 100% of the time. 

  • I will do what I planned to do anyway.

  • I don’t need motivation to stay on track.

  • I trust myself, I trust the process.

 

Just like that you have my motivation tool box! It’s my deepest desire to share my knowledge with the world and hope that it will make a positive change in someone else’s life.

 

When You Feel Guilty For Marrying Your Now Ex-Husband

Last week I connected with a friend who has been recovering after divorce for a couple of years.  She is a smart, successful and beautiful. She is now a sole parent of their two children.  I asked her how she was doing and she blurted out - I am trying to forgive myself for choosing the wrong guy.  I feel guilt for marrying a man who is not the best father for my children.  Suddenly I felt a hot wave wash over me.  I, too, spent many months feeling deep guilt about bringing children into this world with an unfit parent.  Someone who one day typed the message “I am done”, shut the door behind him and unsubscribed from being a dad.

I have tried countless ways to reconcile the choice that I made.  I mean… I chose the guy and said I do and stayed with him for a decade. Why did I think he was a great choice? There were many books, therapy sessions and bitch fests with the girlfriends. Some of these things helped a little, others helped me make a shift toward letting the guilt go.  Outlining thoughts one by one is my favorite way of sharing information.  Today I am sharing with you the four perspectives that helped me move away from guilt into a space of healing.  But first, why let go of the guilt and heal?  Wouldn’t it negate the lesson that I deserve? No, it would not.  The lesson is learned the moment we realize it was not the best choice.  It is through self-love, support and acceptance that we can move forward effectively.  The reason to let go of guilt is so we can be loving and understanding parents.  So we can show our children that mom is a human and makes mistakes too.  So we can be our best selves and invite healthier relationships into our lives. So we can feel happy and content more often.

WHEN YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR MARRYING THE WRONG PERSON, consider these:

I. Feeling guilt is not therapeutic

Let's look at what the purpose of guilt is.  Why do we express it to others?  We feel awful about what happened in the after math of the decision.  We make ourselves feel bad in hopes of learning the lesson for next time.  Growing up most of us had parents that made our mistakes feel very unpleasant.  The more guilt we feel now, the better our decisions will be in the future.  In retrospect guilt impacts our future decisions and confidence in a negative way.   When we are immersed in guilt, we don't make the best decisions for ourselves or the kids.  We make decisions based on fear.  And if life taught me anything, decisions based on fear rob me of my full potential.  They rob me of going all in and dreaming big, because I need to be really careful this time.  Feeling guilt is neither therapeutic, nor preventative.  All that we need to do is recognize what we no longer want to have in our lives and decide to do differently next time.  Guilt has us looking back, which is the opposite direction of hope, happiness and thriving.

II.  Having your own back is a must 

No matter what happened, one thing we should always give ourselves is having our own back.  It requires nothing but supportive thoughts for ourselves (something we do all the time for our dearest friends). Trusting that at all times we do our best.  I know you'll disagree and say this wasn't your best.  It certainly isn't your best today or you wouldn't be here looking for answers.  But trust that you make the best decisions based on what_you_know_today.  Your best will always shift and that's the beauty of wisdom.

III.  All relationships have expiration point 

As much as we refuse this notion, if you we look at our past relationships of any kind, we'll see that all of us have had relationships that faded, finished or completed.  While I believe all relationships serve a purpose, not all are meant to last a lifetime.    Our relationships with ex- husbands lasted exactly as they should.  Nothing have gone wrong there. They run its course and are now complete.  Thank you for the beautiful moments.

IV.  Feeling compassion for him

When it came to letting go of the anger for having to raise the children by myself, not much helped long term.  I didn’t choose this life, I didn’t choose to be a single mother. I wanted to be angry all the time, I wanted revenge even.  I imagined that he'd come back and want to see the kids, but as time passed the less likely it seemed.  Revenge wasn't an option:)  I started learning about forgiveness.  At that time I have experienced an amazing uplifting and relief after forgiving a family member from a long term pain.  I got a taste for what forgiveness does for me. I decided that I had to move toward forgiveness for my ex husband.  I knew he wouldn't feel my forgiveness, but I would.  He wouldn't benefit from it, but the kids and I really would thrive if I could forgive.  It is to this day one of the hardest things to do for me. I found a form of forgiveness that resonated with me. I chose to cultivate compassion for him.  Knowing that living your life far a way from your own children, made me feel compassion for him.  Knowing that he is not able to live his best life in exile made me feel more compassion.  When I imagine living away from my children for more than a month, I feel tremendous pain and compassion for his state.  No one in their right mind would choose this life.  I give compassion to him and myself.

When it comes to taming guilt, always remember that the purpose of life is to live a full vibrant life. It is both the dark and bright moments that make it vibrant. We wouldn’t want it any other way.

How to Stop Dating the Wrong People

Many relationships start out fine.  We feel the excitement and are full of hope.  Rightly so!  Everything is new and exciting and we are full of hope.  However, when relationships fail we often notice that they fail for a similar reason or the problem that arise are of the same nature.  I call this your personal pattern.  It manifests itself as meeting guys who are much older, or guys who have had a lot of bad luck in their life (aka drama), or guys who make you feel insecure, or guys who want to hang out with other people more than with you.  There are many different patterns.  While it's not our job to change anyone, it is in our best interest to identify our pattern, figure out what we really want instead and let go of mister Wrong to be on our way to mister Right!  Watch more for how to move on when you are ready to let go of the pattern.